An Intimate Conversation for Men in the Dating World from a Woman’s Perspective
Recently, I've had the opportunity to coach men who are embarking on a new chapter in their lives and exploring online dating in 2023. It has been an intriguing journey, to say the least. One man in his 60s expressed his desire to approach dating with consciousness, respect, and the hope of finding a loving partner. He didn’t understand why women were not initiating physical touch, what they wanted from him and why there was no “connection, or in his words “why aren’t they grabbing my ass?” (during a first date). This led me to doing some dating coaching and his questions sparked a vital conversation about the needs and desires of both men and women. I realized that if he had these questions, many others might also be seeking answers. So, here are 15 truths about intimacy for men regarding women and what they require in a relationship to feel attuned (in sync emotionally and energetically), connected, and ready for subsequent dates (or to expand on the existing relationship).These truths apply to all relationships and embracing them can lead to deep and fulfilling connections. Whether you are venturing into the world of online dating or seeking to enrich an existing relationship, the path to intimacy starts with a commitment to personal growth.
1. Men and women’s desires in intimacy are truly from different planets:
Women need their hearts to be penetrated to progress to physical intimacy.
Men need physical touch to penetrate their hearts.
Understanding and embracing these differences allows for a graceful dance of respect, appreciation, an d mutual growth. Men, be patient, take the time to know her, be open, consistent, communicative, win her heart, and in return, you may receive her mind, her spirituality, and her body.
2. Intimacy goes beyond mere sexual encounters. It is a profound connection that nurtures and sustains a relationship. This connection stems from openly sharing your truths, fears, vulnerabilities, pain, joys, and shadows. It involves celebrating all aspects of your partner while also revealing your authentic self. Intimacy requires consistent communication, expansion, and the ability to navigate both growth and challenging times together. Let go of expectations regarding timelines… and savour the journey.
3. Relationships evolve through three phases:expanding, sustaining, and repairing. Mastering these stages cultivates a life long bond rooted in love and intimacy. Most people eject when it gets difficult.Instead, celebrate the periods of expansion and sustaining and be willing to see the periods of contraction or conflict as learning opportunities that give you the tools to weather these challenges and come back to each other.
4. Effective communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. Here are a few tips:
Do not make assumptions, rather share your truth and ask direct questions. No one can read your mind (nor do they really want to).
Before sharing, check if the other person is available to listen.
Take a few breaths to ground yourself before speaking.
Present the raw data of what happened, followed by how it made you feel. Less is best (e.g., “you didn’t return my message for a day and it left me wondering if you were interested.”)
As the listener, your role is not to fix ANYTHING. Rather, listen, reflect what you heard and affirm what might be true from your experience. That is all. Not defending, no arguing etc.
5. Men, it is crucial to find “brotherhood” in men's groups. If you pride yourself on having predominantly female friends, take a moment to reflect on where you are lacking a strong masculine imprint to support your journey towards manhood (which for some men is a lifelong journey). Men's groups provide intimate circles where you can bring your whole self and be held with love and support. These spaces allow for the exploration of emotions and aspects of yourself that may not be appropriate to bring to a romantic relationship and may strain it. If you have numerous women friends but lack close male friends, it may indicate a fear of deeper intimacy that brotherhood can offer. A men’s group could be as simple as going out with your “brothers” for a coffee, sitting around a fire, and actually talking about real life and feelings, longings and your desires in relationships and life. It is not “the norm” and yet it is essential for healthy relationships. Brotherhood time is not watching sports and drinking and complaining about the dating world/your relationship.
6. If you yearn for a deep physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection, a life partner, but it remains elusive, it's essential to examine how you show up and where you are spending your time. Without any judgment, if you are engaging in multiple relationships or dating multiple people and yet long for a deep intimate connection, there may be a misalignment between what you want and what you are doing. Again, no judgement and if it works for you amazing. If, however, you long for something deeper and that is not happening, be honest with yourself. Multiple relationships may create emotionally leaky containers that hinder authentic growth and expansion in a primary relationship. In the online world, it means limiting multiple conversations once you feel a connection with one person that you wish to explore and putting your attention on that one person. Make her feel like the only Queen in your life and you just might become her King.
7. Remember that you are already whole and complete. You do not need another person to fill a void within you. Seeking such completion from a partner leads to dependency and co-dependency. Instead, embrace your inherent completeness, allowing it to foster an openness to life itself. This openness will attract a partner who is also complete. If you struggle to feel this completeness, seek the guidance of a therapist, coach, or men's group to help you explore and acknowledge the unmet parts of yourself that are now ready to be loved. Then, bring this wholeness to your relationship to create a healthy inter-dependent connection.
8. Be honest about your intentions and desires. Avoid leaving your partner guessing. Women need to feel safe before opening up. If you are dating multiple people, communicate this openly. If you are genuinely interested, express it. By being transparent, you allow others to make informed choices about their involvement. The guessing game is just too difficult to interpret successfully. Show up consistently, with integrity and with loving boundaries.
9. Instead of focusing solely on what you can receive from the relationship, consider what you can contribute to it. What if your relationships are rooted in a balance of your receiving (and be receptive) and in contribution and giving. Notice the word balance please.
10. Your partner should not be your sole source of fulfillment. Cultivate activities and relationships outside of your partnership. Engaging in healthy, non-competitive relationships with other men is especially crucial. Men need positive examples of healthy masculinity to counter the toxic masculinity prevalent in society, as this toxicity often hinders true intimacy. Volunteer, connect with family and, did I mention….attend your men’s groups.
11. Take the time to know yourself intimately.What does it feel like to live in your body? How can you begin to slow down enough to feel the subtle impulses of life that come through your breath, your movements and your thoughts? Going fast in life, achieving, accumulating etc. are all defensive strategies that can block your intimate connections to yourself, your world and your partners. Add a meditation practice to your daily activities to begin to slow down your mind and, in your meditation, become curious about how your body is experiencing each moment.
12. Polarity arises when both partners embrace their wholeness and engage in a dance of masculine and feminine energies within the relationship. This is essential for relationships to thrive. True polarity arises from a dance of intimacy where both partners take turns leading and following. Men need to embody strength and stability, allowing women to follow, while also embracing their own capacity to follow and soften when the women lead.The stronger the man’s relationship to his masculine (see below), the better able he is to hold the space for the surrendered feminine of his partner(whether male or female) which creates safety for the other to lead. If both partners lean heavily toward the feminine, chaos may ensue, while an excess of masculine energy can lead to rigidity.
13. Embrace the willingness to experience discomfort. Instead of avoiding pain, fear, heartbreak etc., approach it with curiosity and consider being in relationship with it by asking questions:"Where might my partner be right?" or "How am I contributing to this disconnect?" etc. You will get hurt in relationships.You likely already have (hence dating in your more mature years). Being self-responsible rather than blaming and accusing will allow you to be in your vulnerability which increases intimacy potential.
14. Create couple agreements and ensure that you maintain boundaries with these agreements. Doing so will create a safe space within the relationship. These agreements might involve being monogamous or not, not talking about your relationship outside of the relationship except with pre-agreed upon people, taking timeouts during conflicts, daily check-ins, or refraining from weaponizing past events. Having agreed-upon guidelines provides a guidebook for navigating the relationship and ensures that shared values are upheld.
15. Finally, view your connection or relationship as an opportunity for profound self-discovery. If you allow it, you will learn more about yourself and your capacity for connection than you ever could on your own. When on the relationship playground, bring your playful curious and most open energy and loving intentions. It will make the journey worthwhile.
Diana Lockett is a conscious communication leadership consultant and relationship coach with a passion to educate and mentor individuals in their personal, professional and relational growth. As a spiritual mentor, Diana offers conscious coaching and consulting to aid clients in their journey toward mindful and joy filled living. She is a 6 x bestselling author, transformational keynote speaker and a Speech-LanguagePathologist. Diana's offerings integrate evidence-based strategies with spiritual teachings to help individuals achieve their personal and professional goals and deepen their relationships. Her recently released memoir/coaching book “The Call to Freedom: Heal your Pain, Awaken your Loving Presence” is a guide to living fully embodied with joy.
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