Healing is the Purpose and Feeling is the Medicine

It has been many, many long months since we have been separated by Covid and I miss your faces and your hugs.   I pray that you are well and navigating these times with whatever you are facing in whatever way that you can. The first thing I want to say is YOU truly are doing a great job. Whether you are able to get up in the morning or not. Whether you are sitting in fear or anger or not. Whether you are wearing the same PJ bottoms for those zoom calls as you did for the last 10 days or not. And whether your kids are watching way too much screen time or not. These are not normal times and I know you/we are all doing the best we can.

Many have checked in with me and I want you to know I value you all and feel seen, heard and supported.  I continue to face waves of grief and loneliness, disbelief and anger as I approach 8 months since my husband walked out of our home without truly understanding how, why and when this happened. Since this has happened, I have been faced with a spiritual dilemma every day.  Do I turn to spiritual practice or do I numb? Is it spiritual to be angry and want to shake him into presence? Is it spiritual to sit in a puddle for 4 hours on the floor amongst my tears when there are bigger problems in the world.  Is it spiritual when I lose my shit and call him an asshole for breaking up our family? Can’t I see the bigger picture in all this and trust that everything is happening for a reason?  And then I remember that my spirituality includes it all.

Here’s what I know about spiritual practice:

-Spiritual practice is showing up even when life is hard which means getting up to feed your kids or go to work even after a night of crying AND it is staying in bed in the morning because that is what your body and heart need

-Spiritual practice is being willing to stand in the fire of your grief and letting your tears slowly let the flame of longing die down and knowing it will die down even if you can’t feel it yet

-Spiritual practice is having the tough conversations even when it feels confrontational and scary as shit and putting to paper what you may not yet be ready to share

-Spiritual practice is taking 100% responsibility for whatever you contributed to your life and relationships even when you don’t know what that responsibility is and having (healthy, not controlling or ego based) boundaries about what you will accept from another

-Spiritual practice is feeling the anger, the angst, the disappointment, the fear, the hopelessness and saying to the little girl inside you who has been triggered by her fear of being alone “it’s ok my love, we will be ok” and loving the shit out of that little girl.

-Spiritual practice is giving these same emotions as much space as they need to avoid stuffing them down for a rainy day (…this is the rainy day) and noticing when some days are sprinkled with the possibility of hope and renewal  

-Spiritual practice is sitting and moving with the uncomfortable sensations and even exaggerating them to release them from the body. Ecstatic dance has been amazingly healing for me. Yoga. Breath work. Nature walks etc.

-Spiritual practice is journaling, moving, breathing, yelling, calling a friend and crying all at the same time if that is what your body needs and smiling when you hear your kids laughing

-Spiritual practice is counselling, coaching, and healing circle work, both attending and offering

-Spiritual practice is getting my beloved home ready to sell and knowing another family will enjoy it as much as I’ll miss it

-Spiritual practice is looking for the shadows hiding in the corner of your pain (those parts of yourself that you prefer not to acknowledge or show the world) and calling those shadows to step into the light with a gentle open hand

-Spiritual practice is being REAL and AUTHENTIC.  It’s taking off the mask of F.I.N.E. (f*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional) that creates more divide in the world. God knows there is enough of that already.

Spiritual practice is NOT Spiritual Bypass: “The use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, unresolved wounds, and developmental needs”(Psychologist John Welwood).

Spiritual Bypass is:

- Anytime we chose to only feel “good” (which is often truly F.I.N.E. disguised as feeling good)

-Looking for the deeper meaning in an event before moving through the deep feels  (I know you mean well friends but please don’t tell me yet that I will look back on this year in the future with gratitude and meaning because I am still stuck in the recent pain of my husband telling me to move so he can start his life over  and I am still wanting to be his life).

-Avoiding the uncomfortable conversations because they might be painful.

-Numbing to feel good with habits that are not healthy and habits that are healthy (yes, even yoga and meditation, projects etc). 

 Meaning comes in time, this I know. But, for now, I choose to take the path of the spiritual warrior which means I sit in what comes up and honour the journey and the process that is laid before me.  Not yet with gratitude, certainly not yet with acceptance. But with humility, gentleness and a tender heart.  And I am careful not go looking for the pain, it does a good job finding me. There are days that it is difficult for me to get out of bed and I am “F.I.N.E” and other days where I feel inspired, hopeful and clear. If anyone of you have dealt with deep, raw grief, you know how unpredictable and unstable it can be and please know, I get it and I am with you.  Yes, there is a gift in everything, but we need to attend to our wounds to be able to peak through the veils and eventually see the true gift. Our egos will keep us from feeling, avoid us being with our truth, and make up excuses while pretending that it is all good, or FINE. Spirit wants us to BE the truth and let go of pretences even if it is uncomfortable for others or challenges our conditioning. 

 I have been working with my coach and writing my book in the last few months.  In that process, I’ve become very clear with my mission and purpose:

To help 1 billion people live in authenticity so that they/we can remove the masks that keep us separate.

Spiritual bypass numbs us from our truth and has the potential to lead to greater separation. What if you took one moment today to turn towards what is needing to be tended to in your heart and in your life and then made a choice to use your spiritual practice rather than spiritual bypass as your sacred healing path?  Without getting stuck in complaint or blame, what if you could affirm the ridiculousness of the world today and ask “what can I do to contribute to showing up with authenticity, take off my mask and show the world my true and vulnerable heart?”  The divides in the world are massively systemic, the only way to change is to change you/me/us. To wake up and see where we are all contributing to the pain. Hurt people hurt people. Period.  Healing is the purpose and feeling is the medicine.  

Thank you for reading, thank you for you love and support, thank you for continuing to show up every day that you can

With love and gratitude,

Diana